


It's a hive of honeybees trapped inside of our skin

by carrieevew



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Season/Series 03 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 22:11:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5887249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrieevew/pseuds/carrieevew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>set right after 3x02; Clarke comes back to Arkadia and she and Bellamy find a moment to talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's a hive of honeybees trapped inside of our skin

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first canon fic i've ever written because up until now, i didn't want to touch _that_ with a ten-foot pole. but this idea just refused to let me be and i just had to write that down. it's only barely edited because i really wanted to get it out of me before the next episode, when this whole thing goes into canon divergence.
> 
> the title is from Dotan's _[Hungry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaKdUXOAiCI)_ and i listened to Jelonek's _[Old Sorrow](https://youtu.be/OUUlPBmY_08) _while writing because it's angsty and beautiful, and it fits perfectly.__
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> _enjoy!_  
> 

Clarke rode her horse to exhaustion. It was a long journey from Polis to Camp Jaha and she didn’t want to waste even a minute on unnecessary stops. It was hard work, convincing Lexa to let her go back and talk to her people. The Commander was unwilling to compromise, especially since Clarke open refusal to bow down to her didn’t put her in a very giving mood. But this time, she was the one with her back against the wall. Lexa needed Clarke’s help and finally agreed that Clarke was right. There was no way that the Arkers would trust Lexa without Clarke’s support, not really.

“What guarantee do I have that you’ll come back?” the Commander asked.

“Other than my word? Absolutely none. But thought this might be a foreign concept to you, I do keep my promises.” Clarke answered with a challenge and Lexa narrowed her eyes. She was pissed, that much was clear, but Clarke didn’t back down, her own anger bubbling just below the surface, ready to explode if she were to be pushed any further.

Clarke saw Lexa clench her jaw before she finally _allowed_ Clarke to leave Polis, with Indra, to protect her on the journey. _More like babysit and drag back by the hair_ , Clarke thought and barely managed to keep her snort inside.

***

It took them almost two days to reach the Camp and the closer they got, the more afraid she’d become. Of all the scenarios that went through her head when she thought about going back home, _this_ was certainly never one of them. She never doubted that her and Lexa’s paths would cross again. The Grounders have always seen her as a leader of the Sky People and now the _Wanheda_ , an almost mystical creature, holding some unbelievable power to lay waste to any and all enemies. Clarke knew that no matter how hard she tried, she’d never get out.

But this was something else. Clarke was coming to back to her people on behalf of a former ally who betrayed them. She herself felt sick to her stomach at the thought of trusting Lexa again and putting the lives of the Arkers in her hands. And Clarke was the one who understood Lexa. She still couldn’t forgive her but she understood the decision. Would the others? What will her mother say? Will the Chancellor agree to get into bed with the enemy again? What will she think of Clarke?

The sight of the familiar ring that once upon a time used to be the Ark sent shivers down Clarke’s spine. This was it. She was about to face—everyone. If she had it her way, they’d barrel into camp without stopping but she knew better than that. The fence was electrified and the guards wouldn’t hesitate to shoot them on sight, two strangers in grounder attire; she’s been there before after all.

Clarke and Indra dismounted and led the horses slowly towards the gate. She was wondering what to say, how to announce them but as soon as she was within earshot, she heard someone shout that _it’s Clarke Griffin_ and to _go get the Chancellor_. The gate was opened almost immediately and Clarke entered Camp Jaha— _Arkadia_ , now, for the first time in three months. It was truly staggering how much has changed in that time. Gone were the unorganised piles of Ark debris, replaced now by cabins, gardens, stables. Clarke was so enchanted by her surroundings that she barely even noticed the people that approached her. The first one she recognised was Marcus Kane, who stopped a few feet away from her with a smile on his face, looking at her like she was miraculously brought back to them from the dead. Clarke came up to him and did something she never thought she could. She hugged him. The man who commanded the Guard back on the Ark, the person who orchestrated the Culling, who was always looking so severe, was now holding her tightly, telling her how glad he was to see her again.

Clarke disentangled herself from Marcus when she noticed Monty and quickly made her way to him, throwing herself into his arms without a second thought.

“We were so worried about you, Clarke,” Monty whispered into her ear and she felt her eyes welling up with tears. “When we saw Bellamy back, without you, and he told us that you were taken again—” He must’ve sensed Clarke tensing at the mention of Bellamy’s name because he moved away from her and looked her in the eyes. “He’s okay,” Monty said quietly and Clarke felt him pulling her away from the crowd. “The wound wasn’t that serious and your mom patched him up. He wanted to go after you right away but she threatened to tie him down to his bed and besides, we didn’t even know where to look. How did you get away? We thought the Ice Nation had you, that you were—” he didn’t finish. He didn’t have to, Clarke knew what they thought. After all, until she saw Lexa, she was sure she was going to be killed, too.

“It’s—complicated,” Clarke answered. “It wasn’t the Ice Nation, it was Lexa. She needed me alive so she had someone bring me in. I didn’t know until we were in Polis. It’s actually why I’m here now and I promise I will tell you everything, I just need to—” her voice hitched and she swallowed hard.

“I know,” Monty said with a gentle smile and they stopped moving. They were standing at the door of what appeared to be a bar. There were people sitting at the tables, laughing and drinking. Monty gestured inside and she saw Bellamy, sitting next to Miller, talking to him. He raised his head as soon and she looked at him, almost if he sensed her somehow. His eyes widened when they landed on her and he quickly got up from his seat and hurried to her.

Clarke was frozen in place. Tears were clouding her sight and she could only stand there, watching Bellamy as he limped towards her. Finally he pulled her into his arms, wrapping them tightly around her middle. This time it was her who needed a moment before she threw her own arms around his neck, pressing her entire body against him, resting her forehead on his shoulder. Tears were falling down her face and into his shirt but neither of them cared. They stood like that for what felt like an eternity, holding onto each other for dear life, until Clarke felt Bellamy stumble a little and suddenly she remembered his injury, realising he was holding the weight of the both of them.

She moved away from him reluctantly and pushed him gently to lean against the wall, taking the weight off his leg. Clarke looked at Bellamy's face and lifted her hand above a dark bruise on the side of his head where Roan kicked him, her fingers hovering over his face, not daring to touch him. She moved her hand to wipe her tears away instead.

"I am so sorry," she whispered, her throat choking with guilt and fear and relief. He was hurt but he was alive. The whole time she spent in Polis, she couldn't stop worrying about Bellamy. He was breathing when they left but she couldn't let herself believe that he was okay. There was no way of telling if Roan's knife was only meant to slow Bellamy down or if he nicked an artery and Bellamy would bleed to death-- but he didn't. He lived and he was here, standing in front of her, looking at her with tears in his eyes.

"It's okay." Bellamy's voice was hoarse. He took her hand and squeezed gently. She felt her skin tingle where he touched her and she squeezed back. "So are you. How are you-- I thought the Ice Nation wanted you dead. The way Indra said it, I was sure they would kill you."

"I'm sure they would but they weren't the ones who took me," Clarke explained and Bellamy frowned. "It was Lexa. Roan brought me to Lexa."

Bellamy looked like he was about to say something but before he could even open his mouth, they were interrupted by Clarke's mother, calling her name. Abby came rushing in and Clarke turned around to embrace her.

"Hi, mom," she croaked. "We need to talk."

***

Clarke and Indra were led to the Council room and Clarke had a very unsettling thought—they were treating her like an outsider, not one of them. They listened to her explain the situation, and then Indra, when she was filling in some of the details that were unknown to Clarke. In the end, they agreed that the war with Azgeda had to be avoided but the idea of a new alliance with the Trikru wasn't received enthusiastically. Clarke really couldn't blame them but she also tried to remind her mother that the Trikru had one thing the Arkers were lacking. Manpower. There were thousands of trained warriors in Polis, not only ready to lay their lives to protect their Commander, but actually itching for a fight they were denied in the Mountain. The Trikru craved a victory and Clarke was worried that if they don't align themselves with them, this time the Sky People would be walked on, swallowed whole and spit out.

They were even less thrilled about the idea about Clarke going back to Polis, if that was even possible. Bellamy had left the room as soon as she said that she couldn't stay with them and Clarke felt her heart break a little as she watched his back when he walked away.

***

She found him a few hours later. He was sitting on the floor in the stable, his back resting against one of the stalls. She lowered herself gently next to him, keeping several inches of space between them. Bellamy kept his gaze in front of him and they sat silently for a while. Clarke really wanted to talk to him but didn't know how to start. Or continue. She knew that something between them has changed since—well, to be honest, things between them were constantly changing from the moment they landed on Earth. By the time they were taken by Mount Weather she considered him a friends and a partner. She trusted him with her life and the lives of all the Delinquents they were taking care of. When they were finally reunited, the relief she felt told her quite clearly that he was something more but couldn't quite put a name to it, didn't know how to define that relationship and it scared her. It scared her enough so that she sent him on a suicide mission. And the weirdest thing was, no matter how much she hated herself for putting his life in danger, she never doubted him. Never wavered in her faith that he would be able to do what needed to be done in order to save their people. She doubted herself all the time, second-guessed every decision she made, but never him. He was her rock, the one thing in the entire universe she was always sure of.

And then she blackened his soul. His and Monty's. She made them help her commit genocide and then they'd forgiven her. And that was too much. She was a murderer, she didn't deserve forgiveness. Not theirs. Not when she knew that she put the burden of 300 souls on their shoulders. It was true what she's told Bellamy before she walked away from him. She knew how it felt to look in the face of a killer and hear that he's done it for you. She couldn't do that to them, they'd suffered enough.

But there was more to it than that. She couldn't handle looking at Bellamy and Monty and knowing that her actions and her trust she put in Lexa was the reason why they had the death of an entire civilisation on their conscience. She expected them to hate her and they didn’t. They came after her instead, putting themselves in harm’s way for her, again. And that had only made her feel worse because she didn’t deserve that. She was not worth that risk.

“Were you ever planning to come back?” Bellamy asked quietly, still not looking at her, pulling Clarke out of her reverie. He sounded empty and dejected, like he already knew what she was going to say and only asked to get it over with. It hurt but Clarke couldn’t blame him. She didn’t come back on her own terms and then she was leaving again.

“I wanted to, at first.” Clarke rested her head against the stall behind them. “I hoped that being alone would help but after a while I just ended up missing you. Missing home.” Those three months without them, without Bellamy, have been torture. She’s spent almost a year in solitary confinement but this was worse, it felt like she’d imagine losing a limb must feel like. But none of that, as it turned out, was as bad as the last five days she’d spent away from Bellamy. She’d only seen him for a moment, barely even had the time to register that he really was with her before they were apart again. She hadn’t touched or even seen him in three months and that minute with him left her soul aching for more. When Roan took her from Bellamy’s unconscious body, she felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest and left there on the floor, with him.

“I wanted to come back until one day I learnt about the bounty on my head,” Clarke continued. “There was no going back then. I had to hide from the Ice Nation.”

“Clarke, we would’ve protected you.” Bellamy’s voice softened and she dared to look at him. He still wasn’t looking at her, his gaze landing on his hands instead.

“I know you would’ve tried. Which is exactly why I had to stay away. I couldn’t risk putting anyone in danger because of me.” Clarke breathed deeply. “If the Ice Nation got to me, then it would’ve been only me. They’d only kill me and no one else would’ve been hurt because of me.”

“Clarke.” There was a change in Bellamy’s voice, a sudden urgency and she felt him move. He grunted slightly while adjusting his position, now almost facing her. “You cannot possibly believe that no one would’ve gotten hurt if you died. We might still be alive but believe me, we would’ve been hurt.”

There was a softness in his eyes and Clarke didn’t quite know what to do with that. She saw how hurt he was when she left and even though it was killing her to leave, she did that anyway; they were better off without her.

Which is why she expected resentment from Bellamy, not softness. She didn’t expect the bright smile he gave her when he found her and she certainly wasn’t prepared for all the feelings that came rushing in when he touched her, gently brushing the hair away from her face. She wasn’t ready for the absolute and overwhelming panic that filled her when Bellamy’s life was threatened. He’d been in danger before but this time there was no move she could make to save him. All she could do was surrender and it turned out to be the easiest choice in the world, to trade her life for his.

She didn’t really expect Roan to listened to her, he didn’t have to; he was already holding all the power. But she had to beg anyway, had to at least try because watching Bellamy die was never an option.

It was all a blur to her, those few seconds when Roan stabbed and knocked Bellamy out, and then dragged her away from him. She couldn’t catch a breath until she saw that he was still breathing himself, couldn’t relax until she found out he’d survived. And she definitely couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that once again, his life was in danger because of her.

“I thought you’d hate me,” Clarke said in a tiny voice, not meeting his eyes. “For everything that I made you do in the Mountain, for leaving. But you came after me instead.”

“I don’t hate you Clarke. What happened in Mount Weather isn’t just your cross to bear, I knew what I was doing and I’d do it again, if it were still the only way to save our people.” He took a deep breath and went silent for a moment. “I was angry after you left; disappointed that you didn’t believe we would be able to help you get through this; and I missed you. I think a part of me is still angry but I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you because I get it. I understand carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. And Clarke,” Bellamy’s voice made her look at him and she saw so much sincerity in his eyes, “I will always come after you.”

“Why?” Clarke whispered so quietly that she wasn’t sure he even heard her.

“Because it’s us.”

“What does that mean?” Clarke asked, still not brave enough to speak any louder.

“Honestly, I have no idea,” Bellamy said with a small sigh. “All I know is that what I feel for you, I have never felt that about anyone in my life. I have no idea how to even begin to describe those feelings, how to name them. And it scares the shit out of me.”

“It scares me, too.” Clarke told him. “I thought I understood the partnership we had but as it turns out, I know nothing. The only thing I’m sure of is that I am better when I’m with you. I trust you with everything that I have and you make me feel like I’m still human, and I don’t want to ever lose that.” She swallowed hard. They were looking into each other’s eyes and suddenly Clarke wandered when was the last time either of them blinked.

“Then why do you want to go back to Polis?” Bellamy asked bitterly.

“Oh, I do not _want_ to go back there,” Clarke shook her head, “but I don’t have another choice. Lexa needs me alive and by her side, and she will stop at nothing to get what she wants. She won’t hesitate to walk all over this place if she thinks we’re standing in her way.”

“I still hate this plan,” Bellamy grunted. “And the fact that I can’t go with you and watch your back.”

“Yeah, but that would be a _really_ bad idea.” Clarke answered with a tiny smile. “Just promise me that you won’t do anything stupid.”

“Only if you promise that you’ll come back home.”

“I will, I promise,” she said, reaching tentatively for Bellamy’s hand. It was calloused and rough but the warmth and weight was everything that Clarke needed to keep her grounded. She squeezed it gently and smiled at him. “I think I have something to come back to.”

She knew she was asking a lot of him and it might’ve been too soon but if there was one thing that the last 5 months of her life had taught her was that you never have enough time with the people you love. And Clarke really wanted a chance with him, an opportunity to figure out what was between them. She was nervous but relaxed when Bellamy squeezed her hand back and nodded, ever so slightly.

He moved again, his back resting against the stall again, only this time he was sitting a little closer to Clarke, their shoulders brushing. They sat there like that, in silence, still holding hands and Clarke realised just how much she missed this, missed just being in his company.

“I really am sorry, Bellamy,” she breathed.

“I already told you, Clarke. You don’t have to apologise to me.”

“Yes, I do. Everything that’s happened—”

“It’s okay,” Bellamy assured her, tugging gently on her hand and pressing his shoulder to hers, “You’re already forgiven.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading, feedback is always appreciated.  
> also i'm on tumblr ([carrieeve](http://carrieeve.tumblr.com)) and you're all more than welcome to come by and visit me there.


End file.
